Learning each other's language

Words and communication is the most important tool in a relationship, but very often there's a gap between what's spoken and what's understood by the recipient. Here are the 10 statements often often misunderstood between couples which creates fights where there shouldn't be any.
Guy speak:
Honey, I am trying my best, but I don't understand: A lot of women want to start an intense discussion or argument as soon as their better half has walked in through the door.The result is most often a lop sided conversation with the man really cranky and snapping back at the woman who just can't break through to her beau. Women, stop haranguing your man. Take a deep breath and listen to those cues he's desperate to make you understand. He is tired and wants a break. So, it isn't a great time to give vent to your pent up frustration. Instead, step back, and engage yourself in other things, for the time being. The trick is to back off and take up issues when you see him relaxing. Don't be aggressive, you know there are so many other ways to make him understand.
Says Akash Ray, a student, "I would often end up fighting with my girl friend of two years. I hated myself for misbehaving, but frankly, her naggings got on my nerves. I didn't know how to convey to her that talking when I was tired wasn't the right time to discuss stuff, but she just wouldn't listen. It is difficult to explain your position to someone you love because they expect you to love them all the time. Sometimes you want to treat your partners as individuals or friends, but they don't understand this. "
Explains pschyohologist Suparna Das, "Sometimes men and women speak in a language difficult to comprehend by the other. The problem is enhanced by the fact that both perceive a particular situation in myriad different ways. That is what leads to a conflict. Often, none of the partners mean anything but end up being misunderstood and confused. When there is too much conflict, the one quick solution is to hit the pillow. Sleep over your problems and you will see a lot of things falling into place the next day."
"I am listening to you": You often meet a dead end when you hear that. Women often get so engrossed in their narration of woes that they don't quite notice that that their man isn't interested in a prolonged talk. Now gal, if you are overtly enthusiastic about your tale then make it a more engrossing. Do away with the gory details, tell him broadly about what you felt and accept his point of view to conclude the spat. Being to the point always scores a point with the male species.
Prathana Ghosh, a call centre executive reveals, "Often when I was talking to Amit my husband I found him just not responding. It was irritating. I couldn't say when he had veered away from the conversation and ventured into daydreaming. I mean just let me know that you are not interested in my talk. It just shows that men are not keen to know what's bothering their partners!" Ok, lady, maybe you are right, but your man is not your substitute for your gal pal to whom you can pour your whinings. So, why not change your routine and surprise him by being quiet. The trick is to let him see that you don't always need him to hear you out. Start a blog, throw a mid week bash for your girlfriends and bitch incessantly...your partner may feel left out and choose to lend a patient ear.
According to Das, talking is therapeutic for women. Women bond on the lines of talking about their problems. However, men consider talking equivalent to jabbering and simply don't relate to this habit. But if your need to talk is a routine habit, then maintain a close gang of friends who can hear you out. Also on occasions, tell your man that it would mean a lot to you if he heard you out. That way you don't encourage his animosity.
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Do you mock your mate?
Why women cheat?
Emotional Infidelity: A bigger sin?
Being too honest with your partner? Beware!
Couples watching porn
Ten signs your partner is not into you!
Fighting for space
Is your partner true to you?
"Stop giving me directions, I can find my way": Ladies, he means this even if he struggles to find his way. Men grow up figuring their own sense of direction. So even if you think you can help him out, stop right away. He will simply not appreciate the help and instead will complain about your constant interference. Men are attuned with a correct sense of direction. It comes from their cavemen days where they figured the way back to their caves. So don't try to challenge that.
Dheer Singh, a software professional complains about how his girl friend went about giving him directions every time he decided to be behind the steering wheel. He confesses, "I used to hate that habit of hers of constantly indulging in back seat driving. It was so irritating having her breathe down on my neck every time I drove. I kept telling her that I could find my own way out, but she wouldn't listen. One day I asked her to get off midway and hitch a ride back home. That hit bulls eye!"
There, just as we told you. Even if you know the direction like the back of your hand, maybe you could just drop some smart hints. However don't go overboard or you might just have to hitch a ride home.
Says Das, "For men it matters a lot to find their own way out. It's inculcated in their psyche and they feel threatened if they are unable to navigate on their own. It is not like they think any less about women who have a sound sense of direction, but they feel insecure if they fall into a situation where they are unable to sense the right direction. Since it is taken to be 'a man thing' it's best for women to not interfere. Instead, just appreciate the fact that he is trying his best."
Honey, you look terrific: There you have it. What he means is you don't have to bother trying on so many dresses at the same time. Also, your man is tired having told you the umpteenth time that you look great and you simply refuse to believe it. Women are obsessed about dressing and no matter how beautiful they look they are constantly consumed by the fact that they still want to look better. If you are one of those women, then you most likely have driven the guys in your life up the wall. So ladies, take a breather. The trick is to look and feel confident in whatever you wear. And it should please your eyes, not that of others.
Preeti Gupta, a home maker with two children reveals, "Irrespective of the clothes I wear, my husband always compliments me. I used to like this initially, but then I began to notice that he didn't even remember the dress I donned at a particular party. It showed that he wasn't bothered by what I wore. He never said I looked awful, even when I thought I did. Over time this trait made me realise that he was just plain bored with my repeated dress changes. "
"Men just look at the complete package. They never go into the intricacies of which dress matches with which sandals. And frankly if they compliment you, it truly means they are not bothered about your weight issues, or that pimple that you are obcessed about. And just take it at face value, if you search for anything deeper, you won't get any," points out Das.
Don't say anything about my parents: In plain terms, if your man is saying this it means he has had enough. He is hurt by your insinuations and feels that he needs to defend them. At this time, if you nag him incessantly then you are sure to get his hackles up. Parents are delicate territory and if there is something particular you want him to know, then do it tactfully.
Says Karan Choudhary, a manager at an MNC, "My wife complained about the ill treatment meted out to her by my parents. Infact, I understood her pangs too. Especially, with my mother who she found dominating. I tried to explain to them both that it was important for them to be cordial with each other. However, my wife abused her and that was just too much to bear. I know moms and daughter-in-laws never go together but, definitely abusing her wasn't something I expected. We fought for days and I gave her an ultimatum that until she realized her mistake I would not bury the hatchet."
Explains Das, "Men don't take it well if you accuse their mothers of ill behaviour. Although this is common knowledge yet, when you tackle such cases it always helps to back it up with enough proof. Also, be very respectful when you talk about your man's parents, because they have a lot of influence on their children. Going against them could actually hamper your relationship with your spouse. If your man is hurt, then apologise and explain the situation on neutral grounds. That would help."
Gal Speak
Also Read:
Decoding female body language!
Do you mock your mate?
Why women cheat?
Emotional Infidelity: A bigger sin?
Being too honest with your partner? Beware!
Couples watching porn
Ten signs your partner is not into you!
Fighting for space
Is your partner true to you?
"Not tonight honey, I have a headache": Men, your gal doesn't want to have sex tonight, so back off. It's known that women do not enjoy sex as much as men do. And the reason she is giving you is because she feels you would end up hurting if she just blurted out that sex is not on her mind tonight. Accept the fact that she doesn't want to get physically intimate for sometime and instead spend time with her discussing other things, or just give her a massage and end it with a kiss on the forehead. She would appreciate it and pay back in kind.
Shreya Singh, a home maker believes that this is something that guys have difficulty understanding. "Men think it is only them who are doing all the hard work. They don't understand that a woman has so many things to take care of. And women don't always think about sex, that's a fact. They need time for themselves. Generally when women don't find the space they need, they end up avoiding sex which in the long run, is quite harmful for both the partners."
Psychologist Madhavan Chauhan explains, "Men are always at a fix where women are concerned. Not wanting sex could arise from anything. It could be like they are feeling unappreciated, or they want to discuss something or maybe they are just plain tired. In such a scenario, men should just do a bit of probing. Women confess easily if they see empathy forthcoming. And it���s best to get it out of their system before they go to bed."
Why don't you talk to me?: Well, women, as we mentioned above, find talking therapeutic. All you need to do is hear her out. Women like spending 'quality time' with their partner and that means doing things together. Women look out for the 'friend' in their man, so don't just shut her out. Also don't complain that she is nagging, for she might just end up not discussing anything with you in the future. Now you wouldn't like that!
Ravi Reddy, an aspiring model, says, "I never understood why women liked to talk so much. However, my girlfriend doesn't talk at all. Infact she writes everything in a diary and I actually feel like I absolutely don't know her. Sometimes I wish she would tell me all the things she writes about."
Chauhan says women talk and don't let things get to them. "It is a quality that men lack which is why they harbour such insecurities about themselves. Infact, they should just follow the same and bring out their issues in the open. Things become quite simple once it's there for all to see."
Do I have a fat bottom?: Here's the cue for you guys. When a woman poses this question to you she's trying to know whether you still find her beautiful. Pia Singh , a student, gushes, "I liked it when my boyfriend came clean that I needed to shed a few calories. Infact I loved him when he said he would help me out with his physical instructor. I couldn't ask for more."
"It's best to let women know what you feel because they are very touchy about their weight and looks. Infact, if you don't say anything she might not trust you in the future, so the sure shot way of getting into her good books is to tell her, not bluntly, what you truly felt," opines Chauhan.
"I am not emotional, I am not over reacting": You had it. Most likely, the lady is going through PMS and it is best for you to simply not react to her hyper emotional outburst. Do not take it personally for she doesn't mean what she says. So just let her be and speak to her later.
Chauhan says the best tactic is not to say anything. "Just give her an understanding look and she will be overwhelmed by emotions for you," he suggests.
"I need more time": When a woman says this, what she means is that you leave her alone and not disturb her until she tells you to. Guys, this scenario means she doesn't harbour good feelings about you anymore, or she is probably considering you as a mere prospective friend, not husband or boyfriend material.
"If she needs time, just give her a lot of space. She is feeling insecure and doesn't know whether she has made the right choice. She is emotionally distraught and instead of following her everywhere, what you should do is, leave her alone. She will discuss it with her friends, and try to convince herself about you. Till then, give her a wide berth," says Chauhan.
Also Read:
Decoding female body language!
Do you mock your mate?
Why women cheat?
Emotional Infidelity: A bigger sin?
Being too honest with your partner? Beware!
Couples watching porn
Ten signs your partner is not into you!
Fighting for space
Is your partner true to you?